The one thing that scares me or upsets me most in life is the thought of 'growing up'! Being professional, having responsibilities, marriage, mortgages, babies, all utterly terrifying!
It's not really about ageing, or dying, but more about the change and responsibility. I will be 34 this year (cripes!), never been married, no kids, I'm on no impressive career path and I can't drive! I've never had a grown up attitude to money either, frittering away all I earn each month on one too many silly dresses! I live on my own in a little flat with my cat, about 5 mins walk away from my parents and the house I grew up in. My flat is full of 'childish' things, the predominant decor theme being bright primary colours and the more polka dots the better! And I have more stuffed toys that I should probably admit to!
I have a boyfriend, yes, we have been together 5 years this year (how did that happen!) but we have never lived together, he has his place I have mine and that's how we like it. I have been away to uni, and lived back with my parents a couple of times now and even had a stint down in London but I always come home, I'm a home person and need to be back where it is familiar and 'safe'. I even (should I admit this???) get a little bit scared and sad when I have to get a train, even just for a work meeting for the day, I don't like this feeling of leaving. My only responsibility in life is Meg, my cat, and I will be honest here and say as much as I love her now I was petrified when she first came to live with me, I didn't think I could handle it!
People are always surprised when I tell them my age, usually they think I am a lot younger. This should be a compliment I guess but actually kind of insults me. I obviously don't dress in a grown up professional way (I wear stupid polka dots, Tatty Devine and Converse to work most days!) and I don't have that professional aura about me! haha! I really admire women who are my age and younger and are many grades higher than me at work and can command a room but that will just never be me. Whilst perhaps sometimes I think I ought to start being more serious and professional in truth I really have no real desire for it; I just don't have the motivation or competitive drive to be like that.
I'm often shocked at how friends I went to school with have seamlessly glided (or so would seem to me) into grown up life, with mortgages, cars, husbands and many onto baby number two or three! Sometimes when I'm with them I feel very 'young' in comparison as I just cannot relate to their lifestyles. Most weekends my primary thought is 'where can we go biking?' Mark and I love going out to the pub, getting muddy out on our bikes and most of all camping! People my age aren't meant to be doing these things, are they? Close friends and family getting married and having babies, whilst is lovely and I'm happy that they are happy, deep down it makes me really sad! I'm sad for change and sad that life will never be the same again.
I've always felt this way, I have some weird peter pan complex. We used to play dressing up and mother and baby with our dolls when little, but it always seemed so far away for me, not something that I was sure I wanted or would have. I don't have a 'dream wedding' in mind, I can't picture a 'dream house', a big family and responsibilities, it's not necessarily that I don't want these things (I think I do!?) it's literally just my head hasn't caught up to my wrinkles and grey hairs yet!
One of the most harrowing things from childhood that has stuck in my head ever since (along with the song!) is from Care Bears the Movie 2, I've just IMDB this and it came out in 1987, when I was 7, so I have felt this way for a long time! In it there is this song 'Growing up' and it shows all the care bears as babies then by the end of the song they are grown up (NOOOO!) In the last scene one of the bears puts his little stuffed toy star up on a shelf as he has outgrown it! (utterly devastating!) He then walks out the door, just as the song finishes though he bursts back through and grabs it up off the shelf! I know exactly how he feels!
You can watch it here, but I'm warning you, it's not an easy watch! Those lyrics, just heartbreaking!
Am I a freak, or are there other people out there forever a kid trapped in an adult body?